| hmmm.... |
[23 Jul 2007|08:13pm] |
i have no idea how much money i have in my bank account.
i can't decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.
|
|
| one more time |
[06 Jun 2007|11:55pm] |
|
my sister and i just had a daft punk dance party and now i'm really depressed that the daft punk/rapture show at berkeley is sold out. *sigh* so is the story of my life...
|
|
| everytime i try to fly, i fall... |
[30 May 2007|11:33am] |
Dear Fans,
I just wanted to reach out to all of you and explain some of the things that I have been faced with recently.
It's so funny how many stories are put out there about people. It's like we all want our side of the story out there as well, but at the end of the day only a few people care to hear what is really going on since the bad is always so much more interesting than the truth. I don't know why, but this is so weird to me. I used to be angry at the tabloids for printing horrible things about me, but now I try to just be numb to what I see. I saw Tyra Banks once get really upset and cry on her show because they made her look fat. We all want a certain image of ourselves out there, and at some point we all do really care what other people think or we wouldn't be here.
Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab. I truly hit rock bottom. Till this day I don't think that it was alcohol or depression. I was like a bad kid running around with ADD. I had a manager from a long time ago come in and try to direct me and my life after I got my divorce. I was so overwhelmed I think that I was in a little shock too. I didn't know who to go to. I realized how much energy and love I had put into my past relationship when it was gone because I genuinely did not know what to do with myself, and it made me so sad. I confess, I was so lost.
This letter is to not place blame on anyone, although I do see the world with a completely different set of eyes now. Being in that vulnerable state and taken to dinners and parties with friends and finding out later you paid for everything was a huge learning lesson for me. I think the whole problem was letting too many people into my life. You never know another persons intentions or what another person wants. I feel I was too open and looking for answers when I had it all to begin with. I have had to cut so many people out of my life. It is so sad, because if anyone is a family person...it is me. When I was little I remember every night watching movies with my family and feeling so at peace. Dancing and singing all the time just like a little girl should. Now recently I find with my children that I want them to have that feeling all of the time. I am having to face a lot of things right now since I have children of my own. A lot of insecurities from when I was little are coming up again. It is like we are never good enough.
I know everyone thinks that I am playing the victim, but I am not and I hate what is going on right now so much. Maybe this is the reason for this letter...to maybe allow people to look at me differently. It is like when you are a real woman and say what you feel and how you think things are supposed to be, that people just say you are a "bitch."
I feel like some of the people in my life made more of some issues than was necessary. I also feel like they knew I was beginning to use my brain for a change and cut some ties, so they wanted to be in more control of my life than me. I think it is actually normal for a young girl to go out after a huge divorce. I think it was a bigger issue because I had not gone out in such a long time. I am 25 and I do still have a lot to learn, and I am going to make mistakes everyday, and I am sure every mistake I make will probably be on CNN or Good Morning America. I am only human people and I love you for still loving me.
I am sitting here at home and it is 6:25 and both of my sons are asleep. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Everyday is so surreal. Life in general is so surreal and crazy.
I just hope this letter made some of you think a little bit more of me and where I am coming from. I just want the same things in life that you want...and that is to be happy. It is just so weird because everyone has their own perception of me and how they think I really am. It is so weird how stories are told. There is your side, my side, and the truth. Somebody has to figure it out. I guess we will never really understand or figure out life completely. That's God's job. I can't wait to meet him...or her.
Love, Britney
Quote of the month...
It is ok to disagree with people regarding certain issues. You’re not being true to yourself if you succumb to others opinions because you feel guilty.
|
|
| the bitch of living |
[17 May 2007|02:17am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Spring Awakening |
] |
God, I dreamed there was an angel
Who could hear me through the wall
As I cried out-like, in Latin
"This is so not life at all
Help me out-out-of this nightmare"
Then I heard her silver call-
She said: "Just give it time, kid
I come to one and all"
She said: "Give me that hand, please
And the itch you can't control
Let me teach you how to handle
All the sadness in your soul
Oh, we'll work that silver magic
Then we'll aim it at the wall"
She said: "Love may make you blind kid-
But I wouldn't mind at all"
It's the bitch of living
(Bitch, just the bitch)
With nothing but your hand
(Just the bitch, yeah)
Just the bitch of living
As someone you can't stand
See, each night, it's like fantastic-
Tossing, turning, without rest
'Cause my days at the piano
With my teacher and her breasts;
And the music's like the one thing
I can even get at all
And those breasts!
I mean, God, please
Just let those apples fall
It's the bitch of living
With nothing going on
Just the bitch of living
Asking: what went wrong?
Do they think we want this?
Oh- who knows?
See, there's showering in gym class...
Bobby Maler, he's the best
Looks so nasty in those khakis
God, my whole life's like some test
Then there's Marianna Wheelan
As if she'd return my call
It's like just kiss some ass, man
Then you can screw 'em all
Alllllllll
It's the bitch of living
It's the bitch of living
And living in your head
In your head
It's the bitch
Of living
And sensing God is dead
It's the bitch of living
You watch me-
Just watch me-
And trying to get ahead
I'm calling you one day
It's the bitch of living
Just getting out of bed
All will know
It's the bitch of living
Living, Living
All will know
And getting what you get
It's the bitch of living
And knowing this is it
God, is this it?
This can't be it
Oh God, what a bitch!
|
|
| absence makes the heart grow fonder |
[13 May 2007|09:25pm] |
well i guess it's a little redundant to say that cliches are cliches for a reason. but, like most things, i think their messages are taken for granted. "absence makes the heart grow fonder." this was something i never really thought about until today. i mean really really thought about. my sister and i have always tolerated each other, but we haven't always been the best of friends, or the best of siblings for the matter.
college changed things. i went away and apparently my family attributed some sort of memory of me that made them like me a whole lot more. whenever i came back home for little bits of time my mother would dote on me. i pretty much got whatever i wanted whenever i wanted, and then my mom would ask me if i wanted more. it became a little annoying and unnerving actually.
but the most significant change came from my little sister. the same little sister who would sometimes for no reason act completely crass toward me. we needed to find a mothers' day gift. my sister generally doesn't want to go anywhere with me, but she jumped right in the car and was ready to go. i had one of the best times in that car that i've had with my sister for a long time. today was a beautiful day. the sun was shining brightly and it wasn't too hot. my sister remarked on this fact and said that she thought that she should sprawl herself across the lawn. i said, "then let's do it" and a minute later the both of us were out their laying out in the backyard. right there in the sunshine, in the middle of our backyard i was happy. happy to be there with her. happy that, as it would seem for now, we have sort of come full circle (another cliche...sorry). these are the memories that make us who we are and i love them for that. and i love my sister. and i love that she is my sister. and i love that i make friends who become my virtual brothers and sisters. i love that i can go away and they'll still be there and come back and they'll still be there. whole-heartedly. waiting. wishing the best for me. what i mostly love, however, is that my friends and my family all attach some memory of me that makes them want to continue their contact with me. if only everyone could be so lucky.
|
|
| starz in their eyes |
[12 May 2007|11:17pm] |
They'll be making sure you stay amused
They'll fill you up with drugs and booze
Maybe you'll make the evening news
And when you're tripping over your dreams
They'll keep you down by any means
By the end of the night you'll be stifling your screams
Since you became a VI-Person
It's like your problems have all worsened
Your paranoia casts aspersions
On the truths you know
And they'll just put you in a spotlight
And hoping you'll do alright
Or maybe not
Now why'd you wanna go and put starz in their eyes
Why'd you wanna go and put starz in their eyes
So why'd you wanna go and put starz in their eyes
Now why'd you wanna go and put starz in their eyes
Starz in their eyes
Remember they said you'd show them all
Emphasize the rise but not the fall
And now you're playing a shopping mall
Your mum and dad they can't believe
What you appear to have achieved
While the rest of these users are just laughing in their sleeves
Since you became a VI-Person
It's like your problems have all worsened
Your paranoia casts aspersions
On the truths you know
And now the tabloids use your face
To document your fall from grace
And then they'll tell you that that's just the way it goes
That's just the way it goes
Now why'd you wanna go and put starz in their eyes
It's the same old story well they just didn't realize
And it's a long way to come from the dog and duck karaoke machine
And saturday night's drunken dreams
Now why'd you wanna go and put starz in their eyes
It's the same old story, well they just didn't realize
And it's a long way to come from your private bedroom dance routines
And saturday night's drunken dreams
Now why'd you wanna go and put starz in their eyes
Why'd you wanna go and put starz in their eyes
So why'd you wanna go and put starz in their eyes
Now why'd you wanna go and put starz in their eyes
Starz in their eyes
Now why do you wanna go and put starz in their eyes?
It's the same old story well they just didn't realize
And it's a long way to come from the dog and duck karaoke machine
And saturday night's drunken dreams
(When I grow up I'm going to be famous)
Behind the steel barrier and sequence and glitter
Five inch heels still knee deep in the litter
Each of them a bitter bullshitter,
Wrapped up in the cloak of fake glamour, getting lost in the camera
Well footprints are fools gold, diamonds crusts on their one off plimsolls
So little time for these one off arseholes
Rigor mortis Ken and Barbie dolls
A pair of big shades and a push up bra
It's such a short gap between the gutter and stars
That you've come a long way from the place that you started
So why'd you wanna go and get so down hearted
Welcome to the kingdom of the blagger
Uncutting you nose clean, coating you bladder
A whole lot happier a whole lot sadder
Used to be satisfied but now you feel like Mick Jagger
Now why'd you wanna go and put starz in their eyes
It's the same old story, well they just didn't realize
And it's a long way to come from the dog and duck karaoke machine
And saturday night's drunken dreams
Now why'd you wanna go and put starz in their eyes
It's the same old story, well they just didn't realize
And it's a long way to come from your private bedroom dance routines
And saturday night's drunken dreams
|
|
| ENFJ |
[28 Jan 2007|11:20pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lily Allen - Alright, Still |
] |
ENFJ
Popular and sensitive, with outstanding people skills. Externally focused, with real concern for how others think and feel. Usually dislike being alone. They see everything from the human angle, and dislike impersonal analysis. Very effective at managing people issues, and leading group discussions. Interested in serving others, and probably place the needs of others over their own needs.
outgoing, social, attention seeking, emotional, loving, organized, comfortable around others, involved, open, hyperactive, complimentary, punctual, considerate, altruistic, easily hurt, religious, neat, content, positive, affectionate, image conscious, good at getting people to have fun, easily excited, perfectionist, assertive, ambitious, leader, hard working, seductive, touchy, group oriented, anti-tattoos
favored careers:
casting directory, film critic, wedding planner, work in the performing arts, teacher (art, preschool, elementary), actor, fashion designer, news anchor, fashion merchandisier, school psychologist, broadcaster, stylist, interior designer, event coordinator, restaruant owner, childcare worker, hair stylist, film director, counselor, dancer
disfavored careers:
race car driver, scientist, computer specialist, airline pilot, computer programmer, financial manager, epidemiologist, truck driver, electrical engineer, software designer, web designer, business consultant, dj, bookseller
i took this personality test a while back but have always thought that it gets me right on.
i hate being alone...most of the time.
ever since i was little i have always been very sensitive, many times concerning my friends' feelings. a lot of times i have a hard time putting my own needs before the needs of my friends. instead i present a confident, happy, front so i can be the one my friends run to. i find security in this.
i hate impersonal analysis. know me before you decide not to like me.
i never thought i was an outgoing, social, person. my friends disagree.
i live for attention. it's a sickness really.
i am very easily hurt, i just don't always show it.
i've always been a perfectionist.
i try not to be so image conscious...but i am.
i will never get a tattoo.
overall i love being with people. especially people i know. being in a group gives me energy. a good energy. a positive energy.
as far as careers go, anything in the arts or media would be ideal. nothing where i am imprisoned in a cubicle, or bogged down by a 9-5 schedule. (one of my biggest fears is routine)
|
|
| The Top 20 Singles of 2006 |
[04 Jan 2007|09:42pm] |
|
so i like to make mixes when i'm bored or have nothing else to do. recently, i created a mix of what i think the best singles of this past year were. the track list is as follows (the songs are in no particular order):
1. Hush Boy - Basement Jaxxx
basment jaxx is one of the most interesting bands ever. you've probably heard their songs in commercials or the movies. anyway, this particular song is one of those ones you can't help but dance to. it has a sort of old jazz club style with a modern twist. this song is utterly effervescent.
2. I Have a Dream - Common
i always shudder at the idea of the use of the "i have a dream" speech in songs, but common gets it right in this track. i'm also a llittle tired of will.i.am productions, but this one just works. it's from the freedom writers soundtrack, so it has a message as well. check it out for the interpolation of dr. king's speech.
3. Lovelight - Robbie Williams
this is actually a cover of a 2003 song, but this version is much better. think electrofunk meets r&b slow jam either way it's a delight to listen to.
4. I Gotcha - Lupe Fiasco
i'm also getting a little sick of pharrell's productions, however this one is amazing and that's all that needs to be said.
5. Get Together - Madonna
"do you believe we can change the future?" madonna asks in this space age thumper. one of her many confessions from the dance floor, this track clearly outshines all of the rest.
6. Laugh/Love/Fuck - The Coup
"i'm here to laugh, love, fuck, and drink liquor/and help the damn revolution from quicker." that's probably one of the best lines...ever. i strongly urge everyone to check out the coup. they're an earful, but an earful in the best way.
7. Consolation Prizes - Phoenix
this song just reminds me of the sun; how appropriate.
8. Starlight - Muse
from the sun to the stars. i've always been a sucker for the piano, as well as dance rock. this song combines all three in the nice package of a love song.
9. Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
probably one of the most uplifting songs i have ever heard. yeah, yeah, it's really saccharine but natasha writes songs like she's writing in a diary, producing a really raw effect. it's a tad overplayed, but i'm a sucker for gospel choirs.
10. When the Sun Goes Down - Arctic Monkeys
my favorite song by arctic monkeys. it has quite a good music video to accompany it as well. how can anyone not want to get up and dance to this one?
11. Painted by Numbers - The Sounds
new wave at it's best. danceable while at the same time quite listenable. and an amazing piano bridge.
12. Tell Me When to Go - E-40
"jesus christ had dreads, so shake 'em" who thinks up stuff like that? in any case a definite must have in one's hyphy collection. i'd let e-40 direct traffic for me anytime.
13. Get Up - Ciara
i'd say this was one of the best dance songs of 2006. it's a mix between hip-hop and electropop. i could really do without the "ladies and gentlemen...ciara" that ciara insists on putting at the beginning of almost every one of her songs. nonetheless, the club really is jumpin when this track comes on.
14. Kick, Push - Lupe Fiasco
i never was much of a skater, but this song makes me want to be. i didn't know what a hard life it is until lupe told me. the background instruments are used really well on this track.
15. Naive - The Kooks
the riff at the beginning of this song is only part of what makes this song so good. i can just picture walking through the dark streets of london when i listen to this one; this may be because this is what happens in the music video, but whatever. this song is really good, especially at the end.
16. My Love - Justin TImberlake
i hate justin timberlake, but he sure does make it hard to dislike him when he spits out tracks like this. i think producers nowadays are going a little bit overboard with their fascination around the space-y sounding electronic numbers, but this one sure kills this niche. and it has t.i. in it. what else could you ask for?
17. Headlock - Imogen Heap
i will also have a personal affinity for this song as it was the theme song for one of my movies. however, with that set aside this is still a great song. i think imogen deserves more recognition than she is currently getting. she is a one-woman show. however, this song is dark and ominous and it builds up as it goes along. it takes you on a journey.
18. I Am Not My Hair - India.Arie
another uplifting one. this one, however, is about having a positive body image. "i am not my hair, i am not this skin, i am not your expectations, no...i am the soul that lives within." that's pretty powerful stuff right there.
19. Mama's Room - Under the Influence of Giants
i don't know why under the influence of giants haven't reached the fame they deserve. this song captures the essence of disco while at the same time not straying too far away from the normalcy that america loves. i especially like the line, "i like the pain that comes out at night/ everybody dance everybody feel right." also another one with a good video.
20. Hard to Beat - Hard-Fi
ok. i cheated on this one. this one actually came out in 2005 but didn't come out as a single in the U.S. until 2006. whatever. it's my favorite song to listen to and is even better live. if i had to pick one song to download on this list, it would be this one. reminds me of a night on the town, all the while dancing in the street.
a lot of songs nearly missed the cut. nonetheless, i am quite satisfied with the list i created. i highly recommend that everyone download all of the songs on this list. hopefully there will be great music this year too.
|
|
| Sorry... |
[24 Dec 2006|12:23am] |
Don't say forgive me
Don't say you're sorry
I can't take it anymore
Can't take it
Can't take it
Can't take it
Can't take it anymore
I've listened to your lies and all your stories
And I
And I can't take it anymore
Can't take it
Can't take it
Can't take it
Can't take it anymore
DON'T say forgive me
(I've heard it all before)
DON'T say you're sorry
(I've seen it all before)
And I
(And I)
I've heard it all before...
Don't talk
Don't speak
Don't talk
Don't speak
Don't talk
Don't speak
Don't talk
Don't speak
Don't talkDon't speakDon't talkDon't speakDon't talkDON'T SPEAK
|
|
| YAY |
[23 Dec 2006|11:45pm] |
|
I LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!
|
|
| Music Is My Hot, Hot Sex |
[19 Dec 2006|04:01am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hot, hot and sexy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cansei De Ser Sexy - CSS |
] |
From all the drugs the one i like more is music
From all the junks the one i need more is music
From all the boys the one i take home is music
From all the ladies the one i kiss is music (muah!)
Music is my boyfriend
Music is my girlfriend
Music is my dead end
Music is my imaginary friend
Music is my brother
Music is my great-grand-daughter
Music is my sister
Music is my favorite mistress
From all the shit the one i gotta buy is music
From all the jobs the one i choose is music
From all the drinks i get drunk off music
From all the bitches the one i wannabe is music
Music is my beach house
Music is my hometown
Music is my kingsize bed
Music is where i meet my friends
Music is my hot hot sex
Music is my back rub
My music is where i'd like you to touch
Claro-que-sim, fui escoteira mirim
Direto da escola, não não ia cheirar cola
Nem basquete, pebolim
O que eu gosto não é de graça
O que gosto não é farsa
Tem guitarra, bateria, computador saindo som
Alguns dizem que mais alto que um furacão (rhéum)
Perto dele eu podia sentir
Saía de seu olho e chegava em mim
Sentada do seu lado eu queriaencostar
Faria o tigela até o sol raiar
Debaixo do lençol ele gemia em ré bemol
Fiquei tensa mas tava tudo bem
Tudo bem
Ele é fodão, mas eu sei que eu sou também
Ele é fodão, mas eu sei que eu sou também
Ele é fodão, mas eu sei que eu sou também
Ele é fodão, mas eu sei que eu sou também
Ele é fodão, mas eu sei que eu sou também
|
|
| Back Home |
[19 Dec 2006|04:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pensive |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Back Home - Pepper |
] |
As I have been back home in Sacramento for a few days, I've had trouble describing to myself where my "home" is. To me, home has always been where one's family and friends are. Now, I have a family and a bunch of friends in Sacramento but I have also created a family of friends in L.A. Certainly one can have two homes, but I think the conflict that resides within me is the question of which place is more of my home. I've always looked at Sacramento as the place I wanted to escape from. Growing up I always felt a sort of anxiety that I never associated with this place until I left. Don't get me wrong; I love Sacramento and all of my friends and family here, but I can honestly say that I'm more comfortable down south. It's not like I go to school in a location that I can return home to every weekend if I wanted to. Living far away from home is a completely different experience. Whatever. The three weeks here will do me well. Too much of a good thing can be dangerous and I'm awfully excited to return to the friends and family I left behind.
|
|
| Stars of CCTV |
[03 Dec 2006|04:24pm] |
|
Stars of CCTV
Every move that I make
Gets recorded to tape
So somebody up there
Can keep me safe
I'm going out tonight
I'll get my hair just right
I'm always looking good
For my spot light
Stick em up
Give me the money
A winning smile up to the gallery
Gonna get my face on the six o'clock news
We're the stars of CCTV
Making movies out on the street
We're the stars of CCTV
Can't you see the camera loves me
On every corner every street
Down every underpass you'll see
Somebody stealing the show
Somebody looking like me
I'll see you're out tonight
We'll strike a pose just right
We're always looking good
For the spot light
We turn it on
And so effortlessly
We fill the screen
Can't help but notice me
Gonna get my face on the six o'clock news
We're the stars of CCTV
Making movies out on the street
Flashing blue lights, camera action
Once in my life main attraction
We're the stars of CCTV
Can't you see the camera loves me
We're the stars of CCTV
Making movies out on the street
Flashing blue lights, camera action
Once in my life main attraction
We're the stars of CCTV
Can't you see the camera loves me
|
|
| Coming Home |
[21 Nov 2006|02:28pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Kooks - Eddie's Gun |
] |
so i'm coming home tomorrow for the first time in three months.
it's only for four days, but i'm looking forward to it.
i miss the sense of normalcy that can only be found at home,
and i love opportunities that engage the whole family.
i'm also looking forward to seeing some friends.
but i know i will be looking forward to getting back to the unconventionality that is my life in LA!
|
|
| Baby When The Lights Go Out |
[12 Nov 2006|02:26pm] |
so i have to going to bed at like 7:30am (when it's light)
and waking up at like 4:30pm (when it starts getting dark).
i'm not like a racoon or owl or anything.
|
|
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